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Where to start? Ellie is one month old now. I can't believe it! The interesting thing is I feel like I've been a mom for a lot longer than one month...but when I think about El being one month old already I can't believe how fast it has gone by. Becoming a mom was a much harder transition than I thought it would be. I had a rough couple of first weeks. Although I heard many people say, "it's the hardest thing you'll ever do" I never anticipated the transition to motherhood would be as hard as it was for me. I suppose the biggest surprise for me was that my system was jolted in every possible way...physically, hormonally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...and the combination of everything was tough. Before I delivered El I imagined myself bouncing right back and going home and doing all the things I did before while taking care of a baby. After all I wouldn't be at work so I'll have all kinds of time. Yeah...that was a big shocker for me! Physically I could barely take care of myself and Ellie...let alone do other stuff. It was so hard for me to watch Jason take care of the house work while I sat on the couch with El. I felt so useless. I feed El, changed her diaper, then changed my own diaper (that's what it felt like) and tried to catch up on sleep and let my body heal. I'm a very independent get things done kind of a person so to not really be doing anything was difficult for me. Then let's add the emotional aspect...such happiness and love for my little girl but at the same time sadness. I went through a period of mourning ... mostly mourning the change of my lifestyle. I thought that I would naturally transition into being a stay at home mom. Well after working full time for 5 years and being very independent it was hard for me to stay home. It didn't take long before I felt like I was starting to go crazy staying in the house. I felt like my freedom was gone. While I had such love for the new life I was now responsible for and wanted to take care of her...I still had these feelings of loss. And feeling like I had lost my freedom made me feel guilty. After all....I'm now a mom and I should love being a mom and want to stay home. I shouldn't feel jealous that Jason can come and go as he pleases while I feed Ellie once again! I struggled a bit with the fact that my boobs had to be ready at any moment for a hungry little one. And those kind of feelings brought on guilt which made it worse. It was a vicious cycle. I also went through a mourning in regards to my relationship with Jason. I knew having a baby would change our relationship. I imagined it bringing us closer and our love growing deeper. And that is true...yet at the same time I felt a disconnect between us and that is something I NEVER anticipated. I felt like our relationship would never be the same. As much as I love our little girl I still love Jason just as much...and the fact that simple things like sitting next to each other and being able to just snuggle were much less frequent was hard. Feeling like I wasn't contributing to our relationship and worrying I would never have the time or energy to nurture our relationship since I was focused on nurturing our Ellie, who demanded all of my attention, made me feel as if I lost a part of my relationship with the love of my life and that was DEVASTATING to me. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone...but needless to say I had a difficult first couple of weeks. No worries ya'll....I'm doing much better. I'm slowly getting the hang of this mom thing. Thanks to so many great family members and friends around us we have had continual support and help. Ellie and I have good days and we have difficult days. The biggest challenge for me lately is that Ellie fights going to sleep. She fights her naps and she'll fight for 30 - 60 minutes at night before she'll fall asleep. Once she's asleep she does great...it's just getting her to sleep that's the trick. The other day she barely napped. She'd fight and fight then finally fall asleep. Then she'd sleep for 10 minutes or 30 minutes before she was awake and ready to eat again. It was frustrating to me because I couldn't get anything done and I worried about her being so tired and becoming exhausted. I'm just perplexed at why some days she sleeps great and other days she barely sleeps. I've driven myself crazy trying to figure it out...'is it something I'm doing, not doing? Is it something I'm eating? Is she not getting enough to eat?' I'm finally learning to relax and go with the flow and let her run the show. It is hard for me to let her dictate the schedule...but she reminds me daily that she is the boss right now. Oh how I LOVE my little boss! I can't get enough of her! She truly is a JOY and I enjoy her and love her so much!
This morning we woke up to a rain storm. Later in the morning the rain had stopped so I thought I'd attempt a walk. Ellie loves walks and usually falls asleep in the stroller and I look forward to getting out of the house and getting some exercise. So we went walking. Lesson learned: don't assume the weather has let up long enough to get a walk in! I got SOAKED. I was dripping wet, walking in the pouring rain and couldn't help but laugh out loud.No worries...Ellie was asleep and dry in her stroller. Perhaps I was just killing 2 birds with 1 stone...exercise and shower at the same time? After all, you have to multi task when you have a new born! :-)
The pic doesn't do the situation justice...you can't tell that I was DRIPPING WET!
Oh mom loves it when I nap well...and I'm so dang cute! Too bad mom wasn't fast enough with the camera to catch my darling smile!
So so CUTE!!! At my Dr appt last week I weighed in at 9 lbs 11 oz. and measured 22.75 inches long. I'm growing SOOOOOO fast!
Me and my cousin Kaylee
Me and my cousin Liby
I'm really late posting this pic but we laughed and laughed about it so hopefully it will give you a laugh too. Some have guessed that Jason is holding a lizard. It is actually a carrot! We tried our hand at gardening this year. We planted on memorial day and figured a month was a good amount of time to grow a carrot, after all there was a nice big green top. But to our surprise we only had this little thing. They're still growing so hopefully they'll be a good eating size soon. Any one have any advice on how we can tell when the carrots are ready???
Melissa, I loved reading this post. You said just about everything I was feeling being overwhelmed as a brand new mother as well, only I could never have described it near as well as you did. This time around with number three, my feelings of guilt were mostly due to the fact that I felt like I had pretty much written off my two boys. Poor boys. It had me wondering how on earth Mothers out there have children closer together? Mine are spaced out 3 years and 5 years? How could I ever have another one small enough to demand more of my attention? So, just so you know, everything you are/were feeling is perfectly normal. Or at least it was the same with me. My little Riley was a really slow eater so ALL I felt like I did the first two months or so was nurse nurse nurse, but luckily she is getting a bit faster. ;) Oh, and Riley also does the same thing. That girl will fight me anf ifght me going to sleep. Unless I am feeding her and she falls asleep. She would sleep like that all day. Of course that doesn't really work for me because that is when I need to be helping the boys or cleaning up the house, but should I just cherish that moment and hld her and let the other stuff slide?? Oh the guilt. Thank you so much for sharing this. You are such a beautiful mother. Your sweet little El is so lucky to have you! Wish I could help you out with the carrot thing... it's pretty darn cute though!
ReplyDeleteI love that you are able to put the mourning process into words because I think it is so difficult to even understand all the crazy emotions, and worries, and loss etc into words. Everything you said made complete sense to me, I felt myself saying yup that is exactly how you feel after you have a baby. I always say its a good thing they are so cute and you adore them so much otherwise it would be impossible!! I am glad you are feeling better, and the carrot is awesome:)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to send you an e-mail... I just started a comment that was more like a novel... ready for that e-mail now? I bet you are. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are great at explaining things! The thing I had the hardest time with was the change in relaionship with Tom. That hit me hard! I was sure it would just make things better, and in one way it has, but in a huge way, its hard! Good luck on the continued journey!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel Melissa. I went through the same things when I had Caden. I felt so lost without working and him being so little, sitting there doing nothing really. I loved him so much, but I missed my job and actually getting out of the house. Now, it's so different. I would never ever want to leave my kids. They are growing up so fast and I don't want to miss any of it. It's hard for the first little while, but once they start interacting with you more, it's so much fun. Sure there are days that I just want to run away, especially now with two kids that can talk back to me! LOL But then I look at their sweet little faces and know it's all worth it.
ReplyDeleteAll three of my kids have been horrible nap takers. I'm not sure why. Babies just have their own schedules. It has nothing to do with what you are or aren't doing. You just have to adjust to what they want for the first little while. :)
It does take it's toll on your relationship with the hubby, but that passes as well. David and I are closer than we have ever been and we have 3 kids! ;) It takes some getting used to, compromising on who helps the kids with what, making sure each kid gets the attention they need from both of us, and of course, just time with the two of us. It's a roller coaster of a ride, but enjoy it! You are a wonderful mommy already, and you'll continue to grow. Ellie is beautiful. Good luck on your journey as a mom. It's the best gift I've ever gotten.